I hope you want to be exactly you

I used to look at all the solid and secure women wishing I could be like them. What was it that allowed them to be so full. In the recovery world we call them normies. The ones who are whole, happy and secure. They didn’t suffer from severe insecurities, addiction, anxiety, depression, jealousy, blowing up every relationship they ever had and trying to climb their way out of attachment to toxic lovers. They knew their beauty and their worth. They were balanced and secure and believed in themselves.

Yeah I used to want to be them. But now I want to be exactly me. If I had a choice before being born I would have never wanted to be normal anyway. I think about the days I used to long for …just to feel whole because the emptiness and delusional thoughts that accompany these holes inside our souls that come with being insecure were too much to bare. Everything that is spiritually backed behind us, around us and underneath us was unstable.

But now I want to be exactly me. I would have never been able to understand this life the way I do without being broken inside. It’s the kind of thing that deepens the green colors in my eyes. Now that I feel that I have almost completely healed and transcended and am now a whole person I finally feel normal for once. But I wouldn’t trade any of my life experiences backwards for something else.

I hope you learn to fall in love with yourself and your journey. I hope you love yourself for the messy beautiful person you are. I hope you want to be exactly you.